Already/Not Yet

As is routine practice, I began my rounds in the maternal care unit this morning by stopping by the nurses' station in Labor and Delivery. Usually, I will ask any nurse who will look at me if there is anyone who has special needs or who might benefit from pastoral care. And usually, after asking around some, I am told that there are no needs, so I make my way to the rest of the Maternal Care unit. I was surprised to find today, however, that upon my asking a nurse told me that it might be beneficial if I talked with a 14 year-old who was about to deliver.

I went into her room with very little information about her - only her name ("Raquel"), her ethnicity (Hispanic) and that she was 14 years old. The nurse informed me that she was alone and waiting for her mother to arrive. I was nervous as I approached the room...I had never shadowed a chaplain in Labor and Delivery and I certainly didn't know what to say to this young girl, nor did I know if the nurse had any certain expectations in sending me in there. I knocked on the door, walked into the room, introduced myself and began a conversation with her. She wasn't sure at first who I was or why I was there, but Raquel was content enough to have me there as she watched TV. We talked about her family, her life goals, the father of her child and her fears of the pain ahead in addition to more surface topics like her unquenchable desire for a Coke. She even gave me a future childbearing tip - having an epidural is the way to go.

It seemed that she appreciated my presence in the room and that it was helpful for Raquel to talk to keep her mind off of the forthcoming event. When I entered, she was already at 9 cm and was waiting for the nurse to check her so that she could call her mother and sister-in-law to come to be with her. For being 14 years old, having her first baby and being alone in a room, I found Raquel to have a sense of calm and maturity to her. She had commented to me that she thinks that this baby has really helped her to "grow up" and saved her from the course of life she was on, and from her attitude in the delivery room, I can see that. Frequently, Raquel talked about her son as being the joy of her life and how she was so anxious for them to place him on her chest after the delivery. Raquel had been planning for this baby for nine months and, finally, the moment had arrived.

She spoke less as her pain increased and I sat there patiently with her. I did not want to leave her until her family members arrived. Her sister-in-law arrived just before the nurse had Raquel begin to push the baby. I asked the nurse if it was time for me to leave and she replied that it was up to Raquel. Raquel seemed ambivalent at my staying for the delivery, perhaps because of the increasing pain. Although I was unsure about proper protocol, I decided to stay and witness the birth since this might be the only experience of delivering that I will ever know. I was relieved to see that Raquel's mother arrived shortly after Raquel began to push the baby. There was no time to introduce myself because the baby was coming, which made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

At first her mother, sister-in-law and I stood around and watched her begin to push with instruction from the nurse. Then as the minutes bore on, her family members were helping position her for pushing, the nurse was in and out, and I was standing on the sidelines, wondering what my role was in this situation. I felt helpless without a task to be doing and uncomfortable at being in the room with her, not because I was uncomfortable at looking at her body, but I felt uneasy because I was not sure if she felt uncomfortable with me seeing so much of her that is usually kept so private. I found myself oscillating behind an IV pump, looking at her face and occasionally stealing a glance at what the nurse, sister-in-law and mother were fixed upon. Physically, I felt fine in the room and was not affected by her occasional screams. I noticed, however, that I found myself clenching my fists and tightening myself not out of fear, but out of the desire to help in whatever way I could. Subconsciously, I thought that my "pushing" would help her to push and that I was in labor with her.

As I was standing by her, watching her go through the agony of repeated pain, I was reminded by the phrase "already/not yet." This is a phrase that I am familiar with in regard to the kingdom of God. We learn in the Bible of the kingdom's immanence: John the Baptist proclaims, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand" (Mt. 3:2); Jesus instructs the seventy-two to go out and "heal the sick...and say to them 'The kingdom of God has come near to you.'" (Lk. 10:9); Jesus tells the Pharisees, when they ask about when the kingdom of God will come, "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed, nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you." (Lk. 17:20-21). In some respect, Jesus intimates that the kingdom is already present among us. In the Luke 17 passage, "in the midst of you" can also be translated as "within you" or "within your grasp." Certainly, from these verses and from seeing the kingdom in action through Jesus' deeds, which he said that those who believe will do greater works than he (Jn. 14:12), we are given the idea that the kingdom's potentiality is very real and very present.

In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus instructs us to pray that God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven so that God's kingdom is realized upon the land. The question arises, then, if the kingdom of God is in our midst or in our grasp, then how can we explain the dissimilarities between our present reality and the kingdom's reality as explained by Jesus? When Jesus proclaims the good news of the kingdom, he also heals every disease and affliction (Mt. 4:23, 9:35), which he also exhorts the disciples to do as they proclaim the kingdom (Mt. 10:7). If the kingdom is within our grasp, why is it that we are not able to heal every disease and affliction?

But Jesus doesn't speak of the kingdom as being solely a present reality. There is also some implied amount of waiting or preparation that is needed for one to advance to the kingdom. This is especially apparent in, but not limited to, some of the parables: "The kingdom of heaven is like leaven that a woman took and hid in three measures of flour, till it was all leavened" (Mt. 13:33); in the parable of the weeds, Jesus says let both the wheat and the weeds "grow together until the harvest" (Mt. 13: 30), the harvest meaning the end of the age (Mt. 13:39); likewise, the parable of the ten virgins who are waiting for the bridegroom to return (Mt. 20:1-13). Jesus also says that he goes to prepare a place for us in his kingdom and that he will "come again and will take [us] to [himself]" (Jn. 14:2) and that his kingdom is not of this world (Jn. 18:36).

Raquel knew that today would be the birth of her baby boy. For all intents and purposes, her baby was already born. She had been thinking about him and preparing for him for the past nine months. This baby, that had once seemed so distant, was now reality. He had a name picked out and a place prepared for him back at Raquel's home. Yet at the same time, this baby still was a reality waiting to happen - a reality that was on the other side of an intense period of labor. Although Raquel pushed and pushed with her might, her labor was a very intense, strenuous period for her. The nurse had instructed her exactly how and where to push, but because Raquel was a first time mother, her body was not yet conditioned to push the baby underneath a bone that lies in the way of the birth canal. Even in the midst of the labor, the nurse would tell Raquel every other push that she was "pushing wrong." Because of her epidural, which numbs all feeling below the waist, Raquel could not feel exactly where the nurse wanted her to push. When she pushed the correct way, the baby would come closer to the birth canal. When she pushed the incorrect way, the baby would retreat. With every other push, therefore, her baby was becoming less of a reality.

I think about Raquel's labor and her struggle to make what she knows to be real as actual reality - Raquel knows the life she has inside of her is real and actual and now she needs to birth it for all to see and know. I can't help but realize how similar it is for us in knowing that the kingdom of God is in our midst, within our grasp. We know that this kingdom is reality. Sometimes we may even see glimpses of the kingdom's reality around us. Our prayer that the kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven does not always seem so completely distant, especially when we see others around us loving God and loving their neighbors.

However, we cannot ignore the overwhelming evidence of the kingdom not yet being realized. We hear of wars and rumors of wars, of nation against nation, of famine, of natural disasters (Mt. 24:6-7). It is painful to see how far we have to go in order for the kingdom of heaven to be on earth. We pray and work for this kingdom to be realized, sometimes against all odds. We work to spread the gospel to the corners of the earth, but I wonder whether sometimes we are occasionally "pushing wrong" in our labor and are consequently, but unknowingly, holding the kingdom back from being realized upon the earth. Certainly, each of us has seen in others mistaken ideas and actions regarding the gospel message...and for those of us who are honest, seen those mistaken ideas and actions even within ourselves.

And yet God offers us grace and is sovereign even over our mistakes. It is God who is doing the birthing of the kingdom. Just as I stood at Raquel's side and pushed with her, so I - we - stand with God and push with him in eager anticipation for the kingdom to be born.

[Originially written in July 2006 as a theological reflection for my Summer CPE unit.]